Global Affairs — And Local Breakdowns

Greetings from the scorched crust of sanity. I’m Jessica Babbit, and this is The Unconfirmed — where we never lie, we just never check.

In global affairs this week — oh, much like when I tried to pursue global affairs and was told I should just stick to singing because my voice could ‘bring God to His knees.......

Well guess what? I did.....and then I sucked Him off and stole His soul.

What do you think of that, you carrot-chomping, coke-dusted mistake of evolution—

ahem —In other news...

Alyssa’s House has reportedly vanished. Again.

Not “went invisible,” not “folded into a higher frequency of light,” not even “unreachable due to time dilation.” No. Gone.

Authorities from at least three Nether jurisdictions have filed overlapping missing place reports, which — as usual — all contradict each other in ways that could unmake your spine if read aloud.

Nether Cartography & Real Estate (NCRE) has officially declared the lot “emotionally unavailable. Like my piece of shit ex husband that thinks everything is a goddamn joke!!!

They’re asking anyone with information to avoid saying her name out loud, as doing so may trigger spontaneous regret, interdimensional vertigo, or the sudden reappearance of that one ex that owes money to you.

We’ll keep you updated as this story collapses in on itself.

— Jessica Babbit, signing off until she’s legally required to reappear.